We all do it. We fake it.

We faked  our age when we wanted to get into that bar in high school, we fake being sick when we don’t want to take an exam. We fake a bad cell phone connection when we don’t want to talk to the person on the other end of the line. We fake tans, fake eye color and fake hair. We fake our height with heels. We fake steak  with tofu and we fake diamonds with cubic zirconium.

Heck, we even have fake pets – cyberpug anyone?  We fake drugs for placebo effect. We fake manners to be polite. We fake work when we are tired. We fake boobs and we fake our gut (inhale deeply, guys).

Ever had to stand up and make a speech? Unless you were born with Obama’s oratory skills, you probably had to fake some confidence.  We fake sports, like the WWE. And yes – as Elaine said – we fake that, too.

Most notable of all are fake labels. Yesterday my friend told me she got a monogram Vernis, Lois Vuitton bag –special edition Brentwood collection. It was $20, and it was fake.

She bought it  in Chinatown next to the fake perfume and fake Rolexes.
I can’t believe it! She said, “It even has the same inner lining as  the real one.”  She stroked her Louis with fragile admiration as though she had given birth to it herself.

“Jessica, it’s a fake,” I reminded her.

“So what!?  Nobody can tell, it looks real and that’s all that matters!”

Is that really  all that matters?

In a world where fakeness is everywhere, does it pay to be real?

In the Wild, many species’ survivability depends on being fake. How do animals  defend themselves in the wild by appearing to be something they’re not?, asks a WikiAnswers user.

A: Lizards such as the gecko and skink  are able to fake injury and loss of limbs. As the tail wiggles on its own,  it distracts the predator from the main entrée; The lizard can then run off and grow back its limbs in safety. Many Octopi have a similar talent- they can fake an arm amputation. The tentacles squirm while the octopus swims off in the opposite direction.

Puffer Fish are small spiky marine organisms that can blow up to 300% their size when scared-going from ‘tennis ball’ to ‘spiked basketball’ within seconds. Although it looks scary, it’s fake. The fish is just full of hot air.

At the Sriracha Zoo in Chonburi, Thailand, A female tiger, who had lost her cubs, nursed fake offspring: piglets adorned in tiger-print costumes.

Opossums fake death. ‘Playing possum’ is a well known animal defense mechanism .  When fear  sets in the opossum produces  biochemicals that induce a near coma, and release a foul ‘deathly’ smell from the anus. What self-respecting predator would want to eat yesterday’s leftover lunch meat?

In the animal world, faking it means making it. Animals fake it in order to protect themselves from danger. Whereas when people fake it, we are often putting ourselves in harm’s way. Fake tans can mean skin cancer. Fake IDs can mean DUI’s and jail time. Fake diamonds can lead to a sad fiancé. Fake Louis Vuittons can mean an end to free enterprise. And what about fake relationships – do we fake love?

Should you go out on a fake a date with a guy in order to get the guy you really like jealous?, asks a WikiAnswers user.

A: Bad idea!
What if this “fake date” makes him angry instead of jealous and he decides to go out with someone else instead? And what about the fake date. If he really likes you he will be hurt when he finds out you just used him. A good relationship takes honesty. Faking a date to make someone jealous will just end up hurting all 3 of you.

So there you have it: physically speaking, a little fakeness can go a long way, but mentally, you gotta keep it real.

[This week's edition of ChimpManzee is dedicated to the lefties out there, in celebration of Left-Handers' Day today.]

As I sat  with my coworker for lunch, I noticed him scoop up the chicken salad (we bought from the mall) with his left hand.

Oh cool, he’s a lefty, I thought. He must be smart; I wonder if he’s arranging the food on his fork in a geometric manner? Or maybe he’s contemplating a more artistic lettuce and chicken arrangement to make his lunch visually aesthetic. Hmm… Did he just creatively add that salad dressing to his bowl?  Woah, what a free thinker!  I should be taking notes. I mean, everyone knows lefties are more intelligent and more creative people!

Although lefties  make up only 10% of the population,  they have historically produced an above-average quota of  successful, brilliant and influential individuals.  Da Vinci, Einstein,  Michelangelo and Paul McCartney were all left-handed, not to mention a disproportionately large number of  US Presidents and Nobel Laureates.

So ‘How does the brain of a lefty work?’ asks a WA user.

The human brain is the 3lb  focal point of the conscious mind. It is made up of 3 main parts: the cerebrum, cerebellum and brain stem. This big mass of neurons is divided into 2 hemispheres, the left and right hemispheres, that are linked by a large bunch of nerves called the corpus callosum.
Each hemisphere has its own functional specializations which correspond to neural mechanisms. The left hemisphere uses sequential, analytical and logical functions while the right hemisphere has more creative, holistic and visual functions.
Left and right handed people use both sides of their brains. But, Left-handed people are known to use the right side of their brain more.

Basically, righties tend to be more logical, linear, analytical thinkers while lefties are more abstract, holistic ‘out-of-the-box’ type thinkers. This might be a biological adaptation in response to lefty discrimination throughout history. Across cultures lefties were forced to live in a right handed world. In the Spanish language, to do something ‘por izquierda’ means to engage in illegal or corrupt conduct. In ancient China and in Feng Shui, the left side has always been considered the “bad” side.  The Scottish term for left-handedness is ‘corrie fistit,’ meaning  clumsiness.  Even the English word sinister comes from the Latin word  ‘sinestra,’ meaning left.

What would happen in a society where you can live freely with your left-handedness, such as the animal kingdom?  Do animals display any left handed  tendencies?

• A 2005 study of our closest relatives, wild chimpanzees, in Gombe National Park, Tanzania, found that the majority of certain groups of chimps who are dexterous in termite fishing (using a stick as a tool to hook termites)  are left handed.
• Parrots tend to favor their left  foot when grasping objects; For example, fruit when feeding or a toy when playing. In fact, University of Michigan biologist  John W. Pepper, found a  species of cockatoo (parrot family), in Australia, that de-shell nuts and seeds solely with their left foot.  They do this while singing tunes that show off their vocal chords. (Interestingly enough, speech  and fine motor ability both come from the right side of the brain).
• Certain species of frogs show left paw preferences for actions such as  cleaning oils from their body. Kermit even  proposed to Miss Piggy with his left hand.
• There is no scientific proof behind the rumor that all polar bears are left handed- although they do open up the Coca Cola bottles with their left paws.
• Pet dogs and cats have been reported to be both  right or left paw dominant – seems to be a 50/50 divide.

So are left-handed, right-brained  animals more intelligent than their counterparts? There is not enough evidence to form a conclusive answer, but consider this: dolphins are considered the most highly intelligent of all mammals and don’t have much use of their fins at all.

As I stared at my coworker’s chicken salad, I noticed the girl by his side had a homemade vegetable and corn lasagna. Whether she used analysis and logic to bake that right-handed dish I don’t know, but it was prettier, more colorful and  definitely more unique than the mall-bought salad. I don’t think Einstein came up with his theory of relativity by buying pretty books, he had to read them.

In the end the old cliché holds true: It’s not what you’ve got but what you do with it that counts!

Dad, I want a pony!
Most parents would say ‘No’ to this request. Not because they want to deny their child a pony, but simply because this is an unaffordable, preposterous request. But what if you were a millionaire? Don’t you remember how badly you wanted a pony, or a Sega Genesis, or a shiny new CD Player? How awesome would it be, to give your children all those things you never had and always wanted.
“Do rich kids go farther in life?” asks a WA user.

If we look to nature the answer is yes.
“Does a goldfish grow bigger in a bigger fish tank?”
Yes. The more resources given to the goldfish – more oxygenated water, aquarium plants, room to swim, cleaner environments, more food – the larger the fish will grow. In fact, certain crustaceans have shown the ability to grow continuously with no limits (thanks to an abundance of the enzyme telomerase), the only thing that prevents Mega-lobsters from taking over the abyss is predation (giant red lobsters can be quite appetizing and quite slow paced).

Studies have shown, that animals living in zoos live almost twice as long as animals in the wild.  In fact, there is such a big discrepancy, that encyclopedias and veterinary references often list 2 entries on the lifespan of an animal; one for the wild and one for captivity. A lion’s life doubles from 15-30 years when placed in captivity while a hedgehog’s can triple from 4 to almost 12 years. In addition, most animals in zoos who are fed delicious diverse diets, live in large habitat-like enclosures and are given toys/enriching activities, are physically healthier and less stressed than those in the wild (even the rats in the zoo I worked at seemed to thrive). So are people who have refined food at their fingertips, live in large mansions, and have expensive resources able to grow and be successful in their couture life more than their poorer counterparts?

Einstein, Eminem, Oprah and Lionel Richie would tell you otherwise. All of them had poor childhoods and have said that the determination to overcome obstacles have forced them to think outside the box. None of them had luxury, let alone the basic resources and advantages to be a step ahead of the game, yet it is precisely this fact that made them who they are and played a huge part in their success. Today kids are handed PDAs before they hit their teens. Orange County kids are getting 5-star vacations for their sweet 16s and Manhattan Upper West siders are bringing bagged lunches containing top grade sushi. Why is it that Lionel Richie, who grew up with nothing, is a successful singer while his daughter, who was born into money, is a high-school dropout and crack addict?

Children who are spoiled are often times the laziest, most unchallenged, and unhappiest people. Spoiled animals don’t display these characteristics.
Although, there are 2 known exceptions to this rule.
One is the Pinniped, such as Orcas and dolphins, and the other is Elephants. These 2 groups are known to become less healthy, depressed, and ultimately die early when placed in captivity. What do we as humans  share in common with the Elephants and Pinnipeds?
A memory.
We both have developed amygdalae – in other words, we have the ability to remember, to evaluate the situation and to appreciate what we have. How can an Orca, who remembers the Pacific, enjoy a Sea World tank? How do Elephants, who roam the Savannah in herds, adjust to an acre of astro-turf. Your daughter might love you if she gets a pony now but then she won’t appreciate the Mercedes at 16.

The Other Day, a friend of mine came back from the movies, taking pride in the fact that he beat the movie theater system.  Instead of paying $10 for soda and a tub of popcorn, he managed to  successfully sneak in a 2 Liter bottle of Coke, Doritos and a Pizza Hut personal pan pizza, which he hid vertically under his jacket. Of course, he got numerous grease stains and had to peel the melted cheese off the cardboard cover; But for some reason, he swelled up with pride, noting that these were marks of valor. “That’s terrible,” I said, “all to save a few bucks… what do you do when you take a girl to the movies?”  “What do you mean,” he replied brashly,  “I’d do the same thing, I’m not paying 6 bucks for a tub of popcorn!  And she’d be impressed with my cleverness, anyhow.”

So here we have the question, “What is considered a cheap date?” asks a WikiAnswers user. The above scenario is a perfect example. Here are a few others:

• Going to low end or fast food places
• not tipping
• asking your date for money
• parking blocks away so you don’t have to pay for parking
• claiming the free bread is too filling for appetizers

What is so hard to understand about treating a woman to a pampered night with a little generosity? Is it that ludicrous to spend some extra money on overpriced air filled corn if it means impressing a girl with your overwhelmingly giving nature? Choosing to let go of minute details and demonstrating an ability to please is a favorable quality! Perhaps men should look to animals for the answers.

The cichlid is a species of fish that spends a great deal of time for his woman. He not only checks out the real estate to find a suitable nest environment but then goes about building the nest himself. And, just when he’s finished- exhausted, ready to relax and have a nice meal- the female lays her eggs in the nest. The male immediately takes all the eggs into his mouth, a spawning behavior known as mouth brooding, and keeps them there until the eggs hatch. His actions speak louder than words (or bubbly gurgles). Only once the female and the eggs are safe and happy does he go forage for a meal.
Barn owls are just as great. They feed the female as part of courtship and don’t stop once she says, ‘I do.’ The male flies out each morning to find the juiciest choicest worms, small mammals and any other rich sources of protein he can find.  He then feeds the female owl during incubation.  If he’s left with the scrawny, crunchy grasshoppers he just makes do.
But what happens in nature when the male doesn’t take care of the female, When he’s just plain cheap? This can best be observed in the WA question, ”Why does the female praying mantis bite off the male’s head and eat him?”

Sexual cannibalism is the answer, my friends. This is the act where one mate eats another. In scientific studies (Birkhead et al-1988) females that have a depleted nutritional states are much more likely to devour  males than those that are well fed.  Think about it, the male praying mantis hunts and feeds on his own. When he’s ready to mate, he doesn’t share the insects he’s caught or offer some help in the hunt, so what else is the hungry female left to do but eat what’s right in front of her.

So next time you are debating offering a girl a nasty smushed pizza instead of a $7 bag of Milk Duds, just remember we might bite off your head.

You are sitting on the bus, minding your own business when suddenly the most beautiful girl  in the world walks by.   She has grace, class and even the sun seems to shine just on her- reflecting beams of light  off her angelic face (which is odd because you’re on a shaded bus and it’s raining). The perfect songs ring out of her iPod and the scent of French perfume fills the air- but all you can do is stare. You contemplate walking up to her and asking the time, But then realize she is way out of your league,  so you slouch down and look at your sneakers instead. ‘How can a poor guy from the slums win over a high class girl,’ you wonder.  Your backgrounds are so different in terms of  money, education and physical appearance that  you might as well be members of  different species! Forget about love, would it even be possible to be her friend, can animals of different species be friends?

According to many zoological accounts the answer is yes.

Let’s start with the most famous case- Koko and the kittens.   Koko,  the Gorilla, was born on July 4th 1971 in San Francisco, CA to a proud primate mom, along with a group of well learned scientists. Over the years Koko managed to master sign language and a good chunk of spoken English.  She hung out with a silverback named Michael, who scored high up on his IQ test, as well as her zoologist buddies. You’d think that such a well educated gorilla would be a tier above simple land mammals, such as the  housecat.  But no, something about  a certain kitten named ‘All Ball’ struck a chord in Koko; and as odd and improbable as it may seem, they became the best of friends. The two played, ate and even cuddled together. Koko soon became friends with  many other felines. Although she would learn and study with her trainers  each day, and although the material was too complex for her friends, she was eager to communicate with the kittens- even if that meant teaching them herself.

Next we have Owen and Mizee. A tortoise and hippo who currently reside in Haller Park in  Mombasa, Kenya.  It all started one ill fated day when the devastating 2004 Tsunami hit. Mizee the Hippo was separated from his family and left stranded on the shore. He came across a century old Tortoise named Owen, who took Mizee under his wing. The crinkled, old, Navy green tortoise showed wear and tear from the years. Mizee, the young, curvaceous, beautiful, leather-skinned hippo didn’t care. He looked into Mizee’s wrinkled eyes but all he could see was warmth.  The bond was instant! Where Owen goes, Mizee goes! They bathe in mud together, sleep by eachother’s side and even swim together- although Owen is not as amphibious or energetic as Mizee, it doesn’t seem to bother the hippo.  They look physically alien together but the two are just happy chillin on the coast as BFFs.

Last off we have Baxter and Miss Dog. A set of friends who live on a farm in the Midwest. Correction- Miss Dog, who is actually a chicken, lives on the farm in a simple wooden shed while Baxter, the Golden retriever, lives in a comfortable house, equipped with heating, clean blankets, and electrical lighting.  According to Baxter’s owner, he gives up the comforts of luxury each night to lay by the side of his chicken friend and snuggle with her by the metal heater near the coup. He might just be a dog but he understands that a warm expensive bed and a cold heart can’t compare to a cold bed warmed by the bond of his soulmate.

So, here comes the question. If gorillas, reptiles and poultry can  coexist and disregard differences in intelligence, physical beauty and wealth, why can’t we get past this as humans. No one can tell if the connection between the animals  in the previous scenarios was true love or deep friendship, but they did form a pair bond. And for animlas to do so puts their survival and genes at risk. So why can’t we do the same within our own species, when we have a lot less to lose?
It seems that our highly developed brains, the same organ that allows us complicated reasoning, also tends to cloud our judgment. Will the boy on the bus be able to put his insecurities and fears aside in order to ask out the pretty girl?
If my zoological proof isn’t good enough let’s look at a more reliable and factual source –Hollywood.
Billy Joel says Uptown girls can fall in love with backstreet guys and backstreet girls, according to the movies,  can fall in love with Richard Gere. Heck, pretty women can even fall for guys with scissorhands.   So, before the bus stops and you lose the opportunity to meet a great human girl- think of how much harder it would be to ask  a moose for coffee.